Turning 40 did a number on me and I did not expect that. I had no worries or fears about getting older, but somehow it hit me like a ton of bricks and I suddenly felt past my prime, lost in the world, and completely unprepared for life. Thank goodness I gave up drinking, because I can only imagine the dark depths that would have followed. From 40 to 41, I think I was just coasting aimlessly. Oblivious to any issues surrounding me- not really checked out, but also not present. Just going through the motions each day. Then our matriarch, my best girl, passed away at the ripe age of 95. She was my world. Truly. I could talk to her about anything and we had the best times. I didn’t expect to have her forever… still, that doesn’t make it any less painful. A few months after the fact, when life was beginning to feel more normal, I realized that not only had I been coasting along, I also had been in denial pushing any/all grief aside unknowingly.
The funny thing about addiction is, you don’t stop and consciously think to yourself “I’m struggling right now, so I’m going to do something to distract me.” You don’t plot to use unhealthy coping mechanisms and avoid facing the hard stuff. It just happens. Subconsciously maybe the mind is trying to cope and reverts to old familiar ways that once worked. This time, my addiction did not manifest in drinking… it was shopping. My brain would fill with ideas for gifts, house repairs, projects, events… and without even realizing, I would be shopping. Every time I scrolled through, another bit of dopamine would make me feel less and less in pain. I didn’t keep up or keep track of anything. Before I knew it. I had gotten out of hand and had filled rooms in my house with “stuff.” The shame and disappointment that comes with addiction is so devastating, but I refuse to let it have power over me. After a few long talks with my husband, I began to feel better just knowing that I was facing my shit. It SUCKS but I always try to remind myself that nothing will ever be as difficult as that first year (or 3) of giving up alcohol.
I just need to face it head on. No more ignoring it or pretending I’m ok. No. I’m sad. I’m grieving for the loss of my Gma, but also the loss of my youth. I’m not young anymore. I’m not old, but I’m definitely not young. Nobody tells you how confusing aging is. There are many good things about it, but it’s hard. I need to face it all and learn to adjust. But that is so much easier said than done. Not only was I in the midst of grieving, but now I’d added 10x the weight on my shoulders with rooms that have piled up and me not sure where to even begin.
This is when I remember… begin with the steps. AA is an exceptional tool for rebuilding and getting yourself out of the gutter. I began all over with the steps, this time based on shopping and hoarding excessive amounts of everything. I had to make amends with my husband for all my frivolous purchases and with my higher power for not surrendering when I was struggling. Next I had to face the music and begin cleaning up my mess. Literally. As frustrating and annoying as this may seem, it has actually been liberating. Once again I was held captive to my addiction and now have freed myself. I have a long way to go, but I am hopeful. My house didn’t get this cluttered overnight, and it won’t be cleared overnight either. It’s a process, just like I am. A work in progress. I’m reminded that it’s never too late and we’re never too old. The thing about evolving and growth is that it never goes out of style and it never stops. This is what life is all about. Live, learn, and hopefully enjoy a lot of it along the way. Looking forward to another new chapter, getting closer to being happy just as I am.
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